9.16 – “Blade Runners” Remix

(as always, thanks to http://homeofthenutty.com/ for their screencaps of the episode)

	Awwwww yeah! Canon episode baby!
	So?
	That means I get to be in it.
	Nope. This is the Crowley and Friends variety hour. YOU are not invited.
	Aw man.
	Now leave me alone with my metaphor.
	–MEANWHILE–
	I’m telling you, Dean, Crowley’s using my addiction metaphor right now! I can feel it!
	Alright, let’s find ourselves a plot coupon.
	*poof* Hey! Someone ask for a plot coupon?
	Oh. This explains… everything actually.
	Like how our show makers have sold their souls?
	No, THEIR show makers. Our show makers still have artistic integrity.
	I’ve got a windows tablet in Act 2 that says you don’t.
	Dammit! Is there anyone who hasn’t sold themselves to Crowley?
	I still say Carver IS Crowley.
	Can’t be, we’re missing too much charm for Crowley to be at fault for this.
	Guys? I’m on a reality show. If I don’t get back soon, this is going to be suspicious.
	Right. So you help us out or we stab you and…
	Hang on, Dean… I think we’re villains.
	What? That’s crazy talk.
	We’re threatening to kill a national personality – which would get us a lot of attention when we just got over the fake killing spree from two years ago – for no reason but our own purposes.
	So let’s just exorcise her.
	Which would leave her out here in the middle of nowhere without any contacts or idea on how to get back home.
	So what do you think we should do with her?
	Hang on, I know someone that might be able to help… *gets out cell phone*
	Hello?
	–LATER–
	Maybe injecting myself with blood from people wasn’t a good idea…
	*burst into room* Stop using my addiction metaphor, Crowley!
	Hang on, I’m working on my STD bingo.
	Hah! I’m on my 3rd card.
	Well I did this without the fun of ****. … Aw, I made myself sad.
	Because you’re mainlining human blood?
	You started it, Moose.
	How does this work? Any random human body has like…. a dozen gallons of blood in it when you possess them. But that doesn’t affect you until you add one more ounce?
	Actually, Dean, the human body has just under a gallon and a half of blood.
	Thanks, Spock.
	And – at most – the syringe Crowley is using holds half an ounce.
	We get it, Sammy. So as I said, why blood when the demon should be soaking in it while meat riding?
	If we had to force feed the demon the Eucharist or give him a holy water enema… that would make some sense.
	By Satan I can’t tell if I’m crying from the feels or your incessant chatter.
	Buckle up, Chuckles. It’s time for your intervention.
	… Oh no, we’ve totally stepped in his metaphor.
	You bastard! I’ll kill you for stealing my plotline! I’m going to…
	Dean… I really think we’re becoming villains.
	That’s crazy talk, Sam! We’re just forcing intervention on a person to keep them from finding any possible redemption because it suits our own purposes.
	… Oh my chuck we’re totally villains.
	I’m so proud of you both.
	–LATER–
	Man, it’s been awhile since we’ve done that research thing, hasn’t it, Sammy?
	Glad we skipped over all that, otherwise people might see even more examples of how villainous we are.
	Like letting someone get possessed for our convenience? Or threatening a random citizen? Hah. Good times.
	Huzzah! I am present!
	A little early, no?
	I grow bored waiting for thou to arrive. Now welcome to my parlor, said the spider to the fly.
	What?
	Classic literature. Well, they were first printings when I perused them.
	Whoa, you’ve got a lot of neat shit around here.
	And a zoo.
	A petting zoo?
	…
	…
	I mean stuck up here… all by yourself… it could get lonely…
	Dean! Reality. Porn. Just stop!
	So how may I serve thee?
	We need the first blade.
	Similar to that one? *points*
	*looks behind* Damn, we’ve become really unobservant. Remember when I could spot a fingernail in a basement?
	What dost thou even need it for? It’s useless without the Mark.
	Like this one? *rolls up sleeve*
	Exactly like that one. Please exit stage right, Sam.
	*poof*
	Hey that wasn’t nice! *grabs machete*
	I cast, Melt Weapon.
	I use a free action to pull out my gun.
	The gun I retrieved with my pickpocket skill? *holds up gun*
	Wha? How?
	I rolled a critical success.
	Damn wizards, always overpowered.
	Not my fault thou remained a pure warrior instead of multi-classing. Now let me tie you up as befitting my collection.
	Again? No, I won’t do it!
	Thou must!
	No I’m sick and tired of being tied up ever chuck-damned episode! Well I won’t do it this time.
	Thou better or… I’ll blast thee.
	No you won’t, you just admitted I’m a part of your collection. You won’t shoot me.
	Damn. Ok, I’ll shoot thou, then tie thee up, and then bring you back with a resurrection spell. *cocks gun*
	How? You multiclass cleric?
	*pouts* No.
	And look… I have a room full of weapons within arms reach here. Bet you run out of spells before I run out of them.
	Wait! Let’s ponder this…
	–MEANWHILE–
	Damn… weeds!
	Yeah, too bad you don’t have something like a machete to cut your way through them.
	*looks down at thigh sheath* Awwwww man. So the guy took my brother. I’m selling my soul to you for the power to get him back.
	I thought you wouldn’t bother saving him if Dean was in trouble.
	Right. I… begin researching.
	Feels like old times, doesn’t it? You miss it?
	Can you please just not talk right now?
	Why all the hate from you and your brother? What did I ever do to you?
	You messed with our friends and loved ones.
	Worse than Castiel? Or Meg?
	Well Castiel helped us out with the Apocolypse.
	SO DID I! Hello? The Colt? Larger hellhound? Finding Death? I did more to drag you two over the finish line than twinkle toes.
	But he feels remorse for the bad things he did.
	I was feeling remorse, UNTIL YOU TWO GAVE ME AN “INTERVENTION”.
	Uh… you’re a demon, who must have done bad things.
	As much or less on screen than all of Meg’s appearances, and you two didn’t give her near the hate you give me. What gives?
	…We don’t like how you’re stealing some of our fangirls.
	I knew it!
	–LATER–
	Ah, here we go! I cast Dominate Person!
	Seriously? You had that spell and you didn’t bother starting with it?
*SAM OFFSCREEN*	Now take us to Dean!
*CROWLEY OFFSCREEN*	Just kill him already! It’s a sealed house, we can find Dean at our leisure once the wizard’s dead.
	*enters room – sees Cuthbert* …
	…
	Then what is…
	Shapeshifter!
	*stabity stab* You had a shapeshifter all along?
	Yeah. So?
	How did that shapeshifter change its clothes?
	Dumbass. Why didn’t you just send a mind controlled shapeshifter to replace Dean when you sent me back? Then I wouldn’t be breaking in here and would have left you alone with your “collection.” Don’t you watch Dr Who?
	No, I’m from the 50s. I refuse to acknowledge anything nu-Who related.
	Oh no, you got him started…
	Heresy! There are some good quality stories in the series which maintain the spirit of the originals while forging new ground in storytelling!
	Bah! The best of the new is inferior to even the worst of Colin Baker!
	Oh them’s fighting words!
	Bring it! For Slyvester McCoy!
	In the name of David Tennant!
	You know I was partial to Christopher Ecelston.
	You all disgust me. None were greater than Tom Baker.
	Why? He sell his soul to you for the job or something?
	No, I sold my soul to him – well a soul. For an acting gig. But there was a problem with the paperwork and processing… I ended up acting opposite that ham Matt Smith instead of a living legend.
	Dude, you got to hang out with Karen Gillian?
	Yes, but I was hoping to meet Louise Jameson.
	Enough! Just… just get out. I can’t stand to have such philistines in my house.
	Fine, we’re going.
	*scoff* I liked Dr Who before it was cool.
	Oh that’s it. *choppity chop*
	blarg! *is dead*
	What’d you do that for???
	Dude, I am NOT letting a geek-hipster live.
	Good call. Now I’m taking the knife and skedaddling.
	Aww dammit! Why don’t we put these things on a bungie already? … And what the hell happened to my car?
	At least they didn’t take your cassette tapes.

(cross posted @ http://www.thewinchesterfamilybusiness.com/archive-articles/129-season-nine/18452-nate-winchester-s-remix-of-supernatural-9-16-blade-runners)