9.16 – “Blade Runners” Remix

(as always, thanks to http://homeofthenutty.com/ for their screencaps of the episode)

914castiel1 Awwwww yeah! Canon episode baby!
916crowley2 So?
914castiel1 That means I get to be in it.
916crowley3 Nope. This is the Crowley and Friends variety hour. YOU are not invited.
914castiel1 Aw man.
916crowley2 Now leave me alone with my metaphor.
–MEANWHILE–
916sam2 I’m telling you, Dean, Crowley’s using my addiction metaphor right now! I can feel it!
916dean1 Alright, let’s find ourselves a plot coupon.
916snookie *poof* Hey! Someone ask for a plot coupon?
916sam3 Oh. This explains… everything actually.
916dean1 Like how our show makers have sold their souls?
916sam1 No, THEIR show makers. Our show makers still have artistic integrity.
916snookie I’ve got a windows tablet in Act 2 that says you don’t.
916sam1 Dammit! Is there anyone who hasn’t sold themselves to Crowley?
916dean3 I still say Carver IS Crowley.
916sam3 Can’t be, we’re missing too much charm for Crowley to be at fault for this.
916snookie Guys? I’m on a reality show. If I don’t get back soon, this is going to be suspicious.
916sam1 Right. So you help us out or we stab you and…
916sam2 Hang on, Dean… I think we’re villains.
916dean2 What? That’s crazy talk.
916sam2 We’re threatening to kill a national personality – which would get us a lot of attention when we just got over the fake killing spree from two years ago – for no reason but our own purposes.
916dean1 So let’s just exorcise her.
916sam2 Which would leave her out here in the middle of nowhere without any contacts or idea on how to get back home.
916dean3 So what do you think we should do with her?
916sam1 Hang on, I know someone that might be able to help… *gets out cell phone*
kyle2 Hello?
–LATER–
916crowley1 Maybe injecting myself with blood from people wasn’t a good idea…
916sam1 *burst into room* Stop using my addiction metaphor, Crowley!
916crowley2 Hang on, I’m working on my STD bingo.
916dean2 Hah! I’m on my 3rd card.
916crowley3 Well I did this without the fun of ****. … Aw, I made myself sad.
916sam2 Because you’re mainlining human blood?
916crowley2 You started it, Moose.
916dean3 How does this work? Any random human body has like…. a dozen gallons of blood in it when you possess them. But that doesn’t affect you until you add one more ounce?
916sam1 Actually, Dean, the human body has just under a gallon and a half of blood.
916dean2 Thanks, Spock.
916sam3 And – at most – the syringe Crowley is using holds half an ounce.
916dean1 We get it, Sammy. So as I said, why blood when the demon should be soaking in it while meat riding?
916sam1 If we had to force feed the demon the Eucharist or give him a holy water enema… that would make some sense.
916crowley1 By Satan I can’t tell if I’m crying from the feels or your incessant chatter.
916dean1 Buckle up, Chuckles. It’s time for your intervention.
916dean2 … Oh no, we’ve totally stepped in his metaphor.
916sam1 You bastard! I’ll kill you for stealing my plotline! I’m going to…
916sam2 Dean… I really think we’re becoming villains.
916dean2 That’s crazy talk, Sam! We’re just forcing intervention on a person to keep them from finding any possible redemption because it suits our own purposes.
916dean3 … Oh my chuck we’re totally villains.
916crowley3 I’m so proud of you both.
–LATER–
916dean3 Man, it’s been awhile since we’ve done that research thing, hasn’t it, Sammy?
916sam1 Glad we skipped over all that, otherwise people might see even more examples of how villainous we are.
916dean1 Like letting someone get possessed for our convenience? Or threatening a random citizen? Hah. Good times.
916villain2 Huzzah! I am present!
916sam3 A little early, no?
916villain1 I grow bored waiting for thou to arrive. Now welcome to my parlor, said the spider to the fly.
916dean2 What?
916villain3 Classic literature. Well, they were first printings when I perused them.
916sam2 Whoa, you’ve got a lot of neat shit around here.
916villain2 And a zoo.
916dean2 A petting zoo?
916villain1
916sam2
916dean3 I mean stuck up here… all by yourself… it could get lonely…
916sam3 Dean! Reality. Porn. Just stop!
916villain2 So how may I serve thee?
916dean1 We need the first blade.
916villain3 Similar to that one? *points*
916sam3 *looks behind* Damn, we’ve become really unobservant. Remember when I could spot a fingernail in a basement?
916villain2 What dost thou even need it for? It’s useless without the Mark.
916dean3 Like this one? *rolls up sleeve*
916villain2 Exactly like that one. Please exit stage right, Sam.
916sam2 *poof*
916dean1 Hey that wasn’t nice! *grabs machete*
916villain1 I cast, Melt Weapon.
916dean1 I use a free action to pull out my gun.
916villain2 The gun I retrieved with my pickpocket skill? *holds up gun*
916dean2 Wha? How?
916villain3 I rolled a critical success.
916dean3 Damn wizards, always overpowered.
916villain2 Not my fault thou remained a pure warrior instead of multi-classing. Now let me tie you up as befitting my collection.
916dean1 Again? No, I won’t do it!
916villain2 Thou must!
916dean2 No I’m sick and tired of being tied up ever chuck-damned episode! Well I won’t do it this time.
916villain1 Thou better or… I’ll blast thee.
916dean1 No you won’t, you just admitted I’m a part of your collection. You won’t shoot me.
916villain2 Damn. Ok, I’ll shoot thou, then tie thee up, and then bring you back with a resurrection spell. *cocks gun*
916dean3 How? You multiclass cleric?
916villain3 *pouts* No.
916dean1 And look… I have a room full of weapons within arms reach here. Bet you run out of spells before I run out of them.
916villain2 Wait! Let’s ponder this…
–MEANWHILE–
916sam1 Damn… weeds!
916crowley3 Yeah, too bad you don’t have something like a machete to cut your way through them.
916sam2 *looks down at thigh sheath* Awwwww man. So the guy took my brother. I’m selling my soul to you for the power to get him back.
916crowley2 I thought you wouldn’t bother saving him if Dean was in trouble.
916sam1 Right. I… begin researching.
916crowley2 Feels like old times, doesn’t it? You miss it?
916sam1 Can you please just not talk right now?
916crowley2 Why all the hate from you and your brother? What did I ever do to you?
916sam2 You messed with our friends and loved ones.
916crowley2 Worse than Castiel? Or Meg?
916sam1 Well Castiel helped us out with the Apocolypse.
916crowley3 SO DID I! Hello? The Colt? Larger hellhound? Finding Death? I did more to drag you two over the finish line than twinkle toes.
916sam1 But he feels remorse for the bad things he did.
916crowley1 I was feeling remorse, UNTIL YOU TWO GAVE ME AN “INTERVENTION”.
916sam3 Uh… you’re a demon, who must have done bad things.
916crowley2 As much or less on screen than all of Meg’s appearances, and you two didn’t give her near the hate you give me. What gives?
916sam2 …We don’t like how you’re stealing some of our fangirls.
916crowley3 I knew it!
–LATER–
916villain2 Ah, here we go! I cast Dominate Person!
916dean2 Seriously? You had that spell and you didn’t bother starting with it?
*SAM
OFFSCREEN*
Now take us to Dean!
*CROWLEY
OFFSCREEN*
Just kill him already! It’s a sealed house, we can find Dean at our leisure once the wizard’s dead.
916sam1 *enters room – sees Cuthbert* …
916villain1
916sam1 Then what is…
916villain3 Shapeshifter!
916sam1 *stabity stab* You had a shapeshifter all along?
916villain2 Yeah. So?
916dean2 How did that shapeshifter change its clothes?
916sam2 Dumbass. Why didn’t you just send a mind controlled shapeshifter to replace Dean when you sent me back? Then I wouldn’t be breaking in here and would have left you alone with your “collection.” Don’t you watch Dr Who?
916villain1 No, I’m from the 50s. I refuse to acknowledge anything nu-Who related.
916dean3 Oh no, you got him started…
916sam1 Heresy! There are some good quality stories in the series which maintain the spirit of the originals while forging new ground in storytelling!
916villain1 Bah! The best of the new is inferior to even the worst of Colin Baker!
916sam1 Oh them’s fighting words!
916villain1 Bring it! For Slyvester McCoy!
916sam1 In the name of David Tennant!
916dean3 You know I was partial to Christopher Ecelston.
916crowley1 You all disgust me. None were greater than Tom Baker.
916sam2 Why? He sell his soul to you for the job or something?
916crowley2 No, I sold my soul to him – well a soul. For an acting gig. But there was a problem with the paperwork and processing… I ended up acting opposite that ham Matt Smith instead of a living legend.
916dean2 Dude, you got to hang out with Karen Gillian?
916crowley3 Yes, but I was hoping to meet Louise Jameson.
916villain2 Enough! Just… just get out. I can’t stand to have such philistines in my house.
916sam1 Fine, we’re going.
916villain1 *scoff* I liked Dr Who before it was cool.
916dean1 Oh that’s it. *choppity chop*
916villain2 blarg! *is dead*
916sam2 What’d you do that for???
916dean1 Dude, I am NOT letting a geek-hipster live.
916crowley2 Good call. Now I’m taking the knife and skedaddling.
916dean2 Aww dammit! Why don’t we put these things on a bungie already? … And what the hell happened to my car?
916sam3 At least they didn’t take your cassette tapes.

(cross posted @ http://www.thewinchesterfamilybusiness.com/archive-articles/129-season-nine/18452-nate-winchester-s-remix-of-supernatural-9-16-blade-runners)

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