9.12 – “Sharp Teeth” Remix

I admit I did something with this episode I don’t normally do. Filled with a lot of possible options for writing this remix, I perused some other reviews for some inspiration. After seeing all the pain and tears floating around the fandom, I hope this little remix helps ease everyone’s pain.

9_12Dean2 What are you doing here Sam? This was MY episode!
9_12Sam1 Nuh uh. Writers said we get to share.
9_12Dean3 But us together just makes this like a… like a…
9_12Sam1 A rerun? Is that what’s upset you?
9_11Castiel1 Whom dares challenge me? Thou shall not take thy angel’s schtick!
9_12Dean1 Shut up, Cas! You’re not in this episode.
9_11Castiel1 Come oooooon guys! I wanna be in the episode!
9_12Sam2 Garth’s here.
9_11Castiel1 Wherefore art he?
9_12Dean1 In this room.
9_11Castiel1 Uh… Hark! I hath not experienced the mortal pleasure of jigsaw puzzles. Fear not, adorable puppies, I shalt reassemble thou!
9_12Dean1 Since we’re both here, I assume you saw the same report?
9_12Sam1 Car totaled. Driver sh***** his pants in terror. Yep. I’m betting Garth did that to your arm?
9_12Dean3 This? Nah, it’s the Mark of Cain.
9_11Crowley1 Hey that’s my cue.
9_12both You’re not in this episode either, Crowley!
9_11Crowley1 I know but I’m down here on the bottom of the ocean, searching for that dagger, and I thought I’d warn you chaps that there’s a big glowing… ‘scar’ here. I think a giant monster just came out of it.
9_12Dean1 What do you expect us to do about it? Remodel the Impala into some kind of giant robot thing to fight it?
9_12Sam2 Do we look like New Jersey video gamers to you?
9_12Garth2 Guys, you’re disturbing my slumber?
9_12Sam3 Hey Garth! Buddy… Heard you had a bad night.
9_12Garth1 Farmer shot me.
9_12Dean3 Well it’s good you left him alive.
9_12Garth3 Why not? The pain reminds us we’re alive in the face of the grave haunting our days.
9_12Sam3 Garth, so awesome to see you haven’t changed. But why are you in this hospital?
9_12Garth3 The shotgun gave me a hangnail.
9_12Dean2 You checked in for that?
9_12Garth2 My old lady insisted.
9_12both You’re married?
9_12Wife Hi all! Oh Garth, so good to see you well!
9_12both Your wife?
9_12Garth2 She is the one I have pledge to trudge alongside what days remain to us in this dreary existence.
9_12Wife I love you too, *kiss kiss*
9_12Sam3 So you…. both seem very happy together.
9_12Garth3 Well she’s no Eliza Dushku…
9_12Dean2 Is that why you ditched Kevin?
9_12Garth2 I had to slap a ring on it.
9_12Wife Oh there’s so much to catch up on! You’re the closest Garth has to family… please you have to join us for dinner tomorrow.
9_12Dean1 Sure I’ll be there.
9_12Sam1 *runs away crying*
9_12Wife Was it something I said?
9_12Dean3 Nah, any time werewolves are involved he gets emotional. Just let him cry it out.
9_12Dean1 Hey you look familiar…
9_12Preacher1 I just have one of those faces. So let me change the subject and tell you all about our not-quite cult.
9_12Dean1 What makes it not-quite.
9_12Preacher1 Well we’re more spiritual than religious.
9_12Villain1 Food’s up!
9_12Dean3 Raw meat, really?
9_12Garth3 We eat to stave off approaching finality.
9_12Dean1 I thought you guys were vampires.
9_12Preacher1 Why would you think that?
9_12Dean1 Last time the title made reference to teeth the episode was about vampires. Last reformed monster groups we ran into were vampires.
9_12Preacher1 That’s a good point. I thought maybe we were worshiping a pagan god? Honey, are we vampires?
9_12Villain1 I don’t think we’re vampires.
9_12Garth1 Vampires… werewolves… what meaning do labels have in the darkness of oblivion?
9_12Wife Awwww… You know our hymns have gotten much cheerier after Garth started writing the lyrics. And playing our piano.
9_12Villain1 Werewolves! That’s what we are.
9_12Dean1 But that doesn’t make any sense. Werewolves are people 90% of the time.
9_12Preacher1 So?
9_12Dean3 And you’re eating raw meat? You can chew people food you…
9_12Dean1 Where did you even get this?
9_12Dean1 That’s why the farmer shot at you!
9_12Garth2 So?
9_12Dean2 They’re COWS, Garth! They’re raised and bred FOR eating. All of you have day jobs, meaning ya’ll could BUY them legitimately and get shot at less!
9_12Dean3 Hell you could probably raise your own cattle and make a killing since ya’ll wouldn’t need guard dogs.
9_12Preacher1 That’s… not a bad idea. Think you can help us out with that?
9_12Dean1 Sure. My brother’s good at that lawyering stuff. Let me go get him and he’ll help you out with the permits and stuff.
9_12Sam1 You know, Dean, that I swore to never use my lawyer powers again, except in time of deepest need.
9_12Dean1 I know, bro. It might help you thought to just do… a little bit lawyering. Just a tiny bit.
9_12Garth2 All this over permits?
9_12Dean1 Look, Garth. I don’t want to make you angry (obviously), but your family can’t be on the up and up.
9_12Garth3 What makes you say that?
9_12Sam2 You ever WATCHED this show?
9_12Garth3 Yeah. Any time I’m depressed.
9_12both ….
9_12Garth2 It cheers me up.
9_12Sam3 So we done?
9_12Dean3 Can’t be, we still have half an episode left.
9_12Sam1 We could go help Castiel with his puzzle.
9_12Garth1 We could sit around writing poetry about the blackness in our souls.
9_12Dean1 Nah I’m going to investigate these people further. You two stand around and do your poetry.
9_12Sam1 Why can’t you just accept this, Dean?
9_12Dean3 Our father’s frequent abandonment of us left me with an inability to trust others. *runs off*
9_12Garth3 Shame. Your bro could write some epic goth poetry, man.
9_12Sam1 So what do you want to do?
9_12Garth2 I can call the misses. We could go see a movie.
9_12Sam2 I… don’t want to feel like a third wheel.
9_12Garth2 Don’t. We’ll bring another and make it double. I hear you’re down with bitches.
9_12Sam2 Dude!
9_12Garth2 What do you call female werewolves?
9_12Garth2 Ask nice and I’ll find you one in heat.
9_12Sam3 Thank Chuck my spider sense is tingling.
9_12Garth3 What?
9_12Sam1 Well I’ve been hit in the head so many times, it’s left me unable to hack or research like I used to. However I have apparently evolved the ability to sense when I’m about to be-
9_12Villain2 *double bonk*
9_12Sam1 *blarg*
9_12Garth1 *we’re unconscious*
9_12Dean2 You &@#*! lied to me!
9_12Preacher2 Look I can explain. After that orchard god turned me into a werewolf I-
9_12Dean2 I can’t believe you call this non-religion!
9_12Preacher2 Excuse me?
9_12Dean2 You have a worship building. I found a holy book in your office. All of you wear symbols. I saw Garth playing the piano off sheet music! SHEET MUSIC! You’re practically Baptist right now. You’re just one silly hat away from being full on Catholic.
9_12Preacher1 Oh you’re right! I can’t hide it any more. *sob* You’re right! We ARE religious. But we’re one of those cool, reformed wolf baptist churches, not one of those orthodox congregations. Well my wife is but she…. uh oh.
9_12Dean1 What?
9_12Preacher2 Umm… the orthodox sect believes in… human sacrifice.
9_12Dean1 SAMMY!!!!!!! *runs off*
9_12Preacher1 You know… I might look pretty good in a hat…
9_12Garth1 Wake up, Sam.
9_12Villain2 Wow, he must have some major brain trauma to be out that long.
9_12Sam4 Guys, we don’t get much sleep being hunters, so I have to grab these naps while I can.
9_12Villain2 Of course.
9_12Wife Sorry to wake you. Please don’t mind us.
9_12Garth1 You’re here too, my black rose?
9_12Wife Right over here, sweetie! I think mom’s gone full on stepmother cliche and is looking to kill us.
9_12Villain2 You don’t have a problem with that, right? Not like you love her or anything.
9_12Garth2 Love is but an illusionary distraction from the impending doom universal to all. … But I do find her distracting.
9_12Wife Awwwww.
9_12Villain2 Sorry, Garth, but I’m afraid the ritual requires human and lycanthrope blood.
9_12Garth1 What ritual?
9_12Villain2 The ritual to… Hey! I’m spilling my evil plan over here!
9_12Sam4 *zzzzz* five moar mints…
9_12Villain2 No! I have a constitutional right to monologue and you’re going to listen!
9_12Sam1 That is true. Though the villainous Bill of Rights was my lowest score on the LSAT.
9_12Garth1 Why do you want to monologue?
9_12Villain1 You want to know why? You want to know why every villain goes monologuing? Because NOBODY ever listens to us! You think all those Bond villains really wanted to blow up the moon? Or start wars? No! It’s all just desperate cries for help. For somebody to pay attention to us Fenrir-dammit!
9_12Villain2 Now as I was saying, I’m going to kill these two, and use their blood to summon our god!
9_12Garth3 Me!
9_12Villain2 Seriously? How full of yourself can you be?
9_12Garth1 Seems obvious. Hunters are bad ass. You got one as a werewolf making me a likely candidate.
9_12Villain2 Get off yourself. Is your name, Fenrir?
9_12Garth1 My middle name is.
9_12Villain2 Oh…
9_12Garth1 My dad was big into heavy metal.
9_12Villain2 But that would mean… You are THE Garth?
9_12Sam3 The one and only.
9_12Villain1 Oh dear.
9_12Dean1 So I’ve had my gun on you for several minutes… want me to pull the trigger now?
9_12Sam2 Seriously? Why didn’t you shoot earlier?
9_12Dean3 She had a monologue! That would be rude.
9_12Villain1 Yes! Shoot me now, please.
9_12Dean2 I dunno… Maybe I should leave you to him…
9_12Garth1 I think my chains are loosening.
9_12Villain1 For Fenrir’s sake, fire!
9_12Dean1 Ok. *bangity bang*
9_12Villain2 *blarg – I’m dead*
9_12Sam3 Be good, Garth! Enjoy married bliss.
9_12Garth2 Such that any of us can enjoy anything. Though I was considering resuming my old duties.
9_12Dean1 What, sitting around doing research? Answering phones? Way too dangerous for you.
9_12Garth2 Neither of you will survive without me. Now shut up and come here.
9_12Dean3 Really?
9_12Garth2 Hurry up before I change my mind.
9_12Dean1 *hug*
9_12Garth2 *hug*
9_12Sam1 So that it? Episode done?
9_12Dean1 We got enough time for some brother speeching.
9_12Sam1 You bring the green cooler?
9_12Dean3 Damn, I knew I forgot something.
9_12Sam1 You know what that means.
9_12Dean3 No chick flick moments.
9_12Dean1 I like your choice of car.
9_12Sam3 Get me a burger I’ll let you drive it.
9_12Dean1 Deal! Hop in, I saw a place in this town we can try.
9_12Sam1 *climbs into the Impala*
9_12Sam2 Wait, you got THE Mark of Cain?

(crossposted @ http://www.thewinchesterfamilybusiness.com/archive-articles/129-season-nine/18333-nate-winchester-s-remix-of-supernatural-9-12-sharp-teeth)

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