9.11 – “First Born” Remix

	So…
	So…
	We’ve doubled the cast list!
	So is this like Star Trek or Firefly now? We doing an ensemble show?
	Screw that! Let’s split the party!
	Awww man, why do I get stuck with Crowley?
	Because I’m SO on an angel kick this season. Got tired of the taste of demon blood.
	Yay! I have a friend.
	What about Dean?
	…
	… Ok point taken.
	…
	…
	…
	You bored?
	Totally.
	Let’s go look for a plot coupon!
	Yay!
-MEANWHILE-
	Man, Dean, you’re looking scruffy. Sam the wife in this relationship? Keeping you clean?
	That’s it, stabbity–
	Wait!
	…
	Why are you so cranky?
	Because Sam got a plot coupon and now he’s using it with my angel.
	Ok, how about we get your own plot coupon?
	Like Sam’s?
	Better than Sam’s. We’re going to look for a weapon.
	Yay! I like weapons.
	I know you do, Dean. So our first step is to look in your dad’s journal.
	…My what?
	The journal. From your dad. The one you used to get all your answers and macguffins from.
	Oh right! Man I forgot we had this. So it looks like we need to locate three pendants which will allow us to unlock the Master Sword…
-MEANWHILE-
	Sam! Look what I found…
	A coupon? What does it say?
	‘Good for locating one angel which previously inhabited your body.’
	Awwww, but we already know where Lucifer is.
	…
	Wait! I got it! We’ll use it to locate Gadreel.
	Wish I thought of that. Ok Sam, according to this we need to… stabbity stab!
	Owwwww! What is up with me and needles lately? Seriously, I don’t think it was the trials, but tetanus that’s been killing me.
	That would explain all the genital herpes I’ve been healing from you.
	…Right. I got that from the needles…
-MEANWHILE-
	Hi! We’re remembering my dad this episode!
	Yep, I was a friend of his. Nudge Nudge.
	Wink Wink?
	Oh, you’re wicked, ay?
	Say. No. More!
	*cocks shotgun* No, I mean you’re wicked. My knee says so.
	Damn, all the demons I fight, why don’t I have a detecting injury?
	Ever been healed by an angel?
	Aw man, all the time.
	Ladies, please! We’re after the first blade.
	Why?
	To kill Abaddon- Knight of Hell.
	Why not use the Colt?
	Uh… we’ve misplaced it.
	Death’s Scythe?
	He won’t take our calls any more.
	An angel blade?
	Uh… Crowley, you DO have one of those.
	So do you.
	…
	Oh. Right. Our plot coupon is only good for first weapons. Nothing bronze age or later.
	Well I can give you the next leg of your quest, if I get a rare item.
	Oh I’ve got lots of those. Just let me out of here…
	*bang*
	Geez! What if there’s someone downstairs?
	Hope so. I never liked him.
	ta da!
	So now we set this map on fire and find out where it is…
	Why a US map?
	?
	?
	Couldn’t this thing be anywhere in the world?
	United States is all the budget will allow.
	It could be in Canada too.
	Don’t be silly. No self-respecting demon would ever be in Canada.
-MEANWHILE-
	Sam I know henceforth that all life is precious, thus I shall not kill you.
	But you can heal me.
	Having so recently touched yonder ebon shore, mine eyes behold how life is fleeting.
	But you can bring me back from the dead.
	Alas, bereft of my alabaster wings to snatch thou from Death’s cold grasp is beyond mine power.
	I have my memories. Gadreel healed you from death.
	Parting is such sweet sorrow, yea can I bear no more the absence of friendship’s sweet company.
	Cas, your resurrection spell isn’t on cooldown. Kill me, then bring me back!
	Just once could you say please?
	Please?
	Well it’s too late now. I wouldn’t kill you if you were the last man on earth.
	…
-MEANWHILE-
	Hi.
	Holy SH&%$#@!
	Really? Here? To him?
	I’m Cain. I was murdering before it was cool. Now everyone’s doing it and it’s all lame.
	…
	I was in World War 1, you know.
	You were in Europe in the 1910s?
	What? No! That was WW2. WW1… well there were only four people on Earth, but it’s still technically true!
	…How are you white?
	What are you, racist?
	No, I mean… according to the Bible you should be from around Mesopotamia or East Africa at least. Making you Arab… maybe Black… you definitely shouldn’t be so pale.
	Well he is demon # 2. Maybe he’s in a different body.
	Then what’s up with your mark? Does it show up in whatever body you take?
	If I give you a knife, will you shut up?
	Which one? The first blade?
	Oh you probably never heard of it, it’s the first… dammit! you have heard of it. Yeah I’ll give you the first blade. The one made before weapons went mainstream.
	Why you being so helpful?
	Oh I don’t get cable out here. And I’m bored. I used to watch MMA, but it’s lame now. So you’ll be fighting to entertain me instead!
	*fight fight stabbity stab*
	*fight stabbity stab*
	*stabbity fight stabbity fight fight stab stab*
	Man, just one of those was a hassle for me like… 8 years ago. I love leveling up.
	Cool. I haven’t seen a good tussle in awhile. Ok, take my mark.
	Why?
	You’re worthy.
	You’ve been around for 6,000 years or more and never found another worthy person?
	Um… Well I met a girl in the 1800s. She got me to reform. Before then I didn’t care.
	Isn’t love really mainstream?
	How’s that even possible?
	That anybody could love a monster like me?
	No, that it took 6,000 years – or more!
	She… loved me for me.
	I mean, even Hitler got booty and he had a fraction of the time you have.
	Genesis 4 does say he had a wife. And kids.
	Yeah but I didn’t… ‘love’ them like her.
	And why is it always a woman?
	What?
	You talk about being lame and mainstream? Why did a woman reform you? Why not… the music of Mozart? Watching us land on the moon?
	The invention of the McRib…
	…
	Or that. I mean it’s just… predictable – and hard to believe it took you that long to find it.
	Ok, now I’m pissed. I’m going to kick someone’s ass. It’s either yours or the demons’.
	I pick them.
	I also vote for not us.
	Alright, here’s my mark, good luck!
	Huh. So… that’s the episode?
	Forget it, Dean. It’s Missouri.
	Yeah. I wanted to go to Canada.

(crossposted @ http://www.thewinchesterfamilybusiness.com/archive-articles/129-season-nine/18310-nate-winchester)