Gathering Magical Movies

I’ve been fighting a cold this week, so I hope you’ll indulge me in a bit of silliness related to the story and characters of the card game, Magic the Gathering. (but not like last timeeither one – those were fun, though, I should accept submissions on more sometime)

Inspired by:

And fine, @incorrectmtgquotes, I just love you then and love/hate @flavoracle.

Some movie ideas.

1) The 3 Amigos OR The Man Who Knew Too Little – reversed.  Pitch: Gideon & Ajani (plus another?) believe they have stumbled into another wicked plot by the forces of evil, but uh oh, it’s actually just a local pageant being put on.  Afraid of the giant predator and beefcake lashing out, the actors have to think on their feet to give the two heroes an “adventure” they’ll never forget, some foes to defeat, and hopefully keep anybody from getting hurt or killed in the process.  Things are more complicated when the rest of the town/city is convinced the 2 newcomers are more actors.

2) Weekend at Bernie’s (plane).  Pitch: Nissa was just trying to enjoy a vacation on a beach plane when who shows up but Liliana!  She just wanted to enjoy some time at her favorite nude beach (Nissa, being an elf, never realized this fact about the place until now) but why not spend some time with her favorite elf?  Nissa just wants her to go and things get heated between the ladies until they both accidentally kill a local legendary creature (and commander favorite).  Liliana just wants to go but Nissa now insists they have to fix their mistake.  Liliana necros the guy but her zombies are hardly subtle so Nissa has to use some of her own magic to make the corpse look more lifelike.  Things spiral out of control as the two of them figure out the dead guy was a big player in both politics and crime and nothing is going to be as simple as they hoped.  It doesn’t help that whenever Liliana’s attention wanders, the zombie tries to go eat somebody’s brain!

3) The Longest Yard / ANY sports movie.  Pitch: There is an Legion of Doom Bizzaro Jacetice League evil Gatewatch out there.  Ob Nixilis (B), Tezzeret (U), Tibalt (R) and mono Green and White PWs that WotC needs to put in the game.  After having clashed with the Gatewatch several times, they finally decide there is only one way to settle this: American football.  To keep things under control, both sides agree to no magic.  Liliana, revealing that she’s a big fan of the game and having seen all the Dominaria Super Bowels for several thousand years (until the stadium was destroyed in Time Spiral) sets herself up as the coach – and summons a line of zombies to act as the linemen.  Gideon takes up as center or running back since he might cheat as QB.  That leaves Jace to be the quarterback, Chandra as a running back and Nissa as the kicker.  Sorin agrees to be referee.

Things proceed as normal until the 4th quarter.  The game has been tough with nobody scoring.  The Gatewatch finally get very close to the endzone, when the evil GW finally gets frustrated and Ob Nixilis finally uses his wings to fly up and block a field goal attempt.  Tezzeret then takes over as QB and uses his robo-arm to fire perfect passes to Tibalt who pains anybody that tries tackling them.  Gideon insists the GW still has to play by the rules but no matter how hard they try, they can’t stop the evil GW who advance all the way down the field for a touchdown.  Liliana yells at the ref but Sorin doesn’t care (also he points out the rulebook they gave him hadn’t been updated with a “no magic” stipulation so he doesn’t even know how to penalize).

The clock is running out so Liliana convinces the team it’s time to play like planeswalkers.  When they line up, their offense line consists ONLY of Nissa at center, Gideon takes position as QB with Jace as a running back and Chandra as a wide receiver.  The evil GW laughs as it lines up defensively against the tiny elf.  Right as Gideon shouts “hike”, Nissa suddenly summons a row of elementals, the largest enclosing her.  Gideon hands off the ball to Jace but it’s a fake!  And thanks to Jace’s illusion, it looks like 5 of him are running down the field.  While the defense is trying to figure out which running Jace is the real one, Ob Nixilis gets angry and just flies over Nissa’s line, diving at Gideon who is still holding the ball.  Gid invulnerable-ups and knocks the demon into the mud, this time asking him how he likes 3 inches of mud (it has been a long game day).  He then finally sees Chandra in position and tosses a perfect pass to her.  She’s ready to catch it when one of the evil PWs attempts pass interference – so she sets him on fire.  She then catches the ball and runs into the endzone for a touchdown after the game clock has run out (turns out Chandra is much faster when she takes her armor off).

Most of the team demands going for the extra point and taking on the evil PW in over time but Liliana wants them to go for the 2-point conversion.  The team lines up, Nissa snaps the ball and charges forward as an elemental with glowing Gideon right behind her.  The other team pulls out full on death blasts trying to stop him only – oops, turns out Gideon didn’t have the ball.  Jace really did this time (everyone dismissed him as an illusion) and being the smallest player on the field, he was able to slip through into the endzone for game victory!

The stands go wild as everybody looks up and sees Kiora is up there having filled the stadium with sea monsters who are sort of cheering too.

(hm, actually this makes me want WotC to release all kinds of PW-sports tie in products)


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