9.19 – “Alex Annie Alexis Ann” remix

So her we again find ourselves confronting the “plot” of Supernatural where I, your humble reporter, attempt to uncover the truth behind the episode…

919jody You going to make fun of my episode little boy? Come on! Give me your best shot. I took on the king of Hell and it just made me mad…

Now let’s go to chicago and the show that might be!

9.20 – “Bloodlines” remix

920ennis Goody! We get to be in an episode!
Castiel1 =(
920girl Isn’t it nice? In fact while we’re on camera… this place really looks like somewhere a guy can propose…
920ennis *choke* Um… right!  Right.  Funny that.  Be right back. *dash*
920waiter
920ennis2 Excuse me.
920waiter ?
920ennis You have one of those really expensive glasses of wine with the diamond ring in it?
920waiter But of course.  What kind of six star restaurant do you think we are?
920ennis Great, can I get one delivered to my table?
920waiter No.
920ennis1 …  What, because I’m black?
920waiter No, because I’m French!  We’re very rude.
920ennis2 Well you’re no Bruce Campbell!
920waiter What mortal man is? Now if you’ll excuse me, I must escort this more important character to his set piece.
920sal2 What are you doing? I think that was the protagonist!
920waiter Pft.  I am dead past this episode anyway, what do I care?  Behold monster club.  Enjoy your stay.
920sal1 Hey cutie, can I get a drink?
920bartender Sure.  Type A? O?
920sal1 hm… Not really into human blood.
920bartender Lung smoothie?  Heart margarita?
920sal1 I don’t… really eat anything human.
920bartender Why the hell you come in here then?  Why not stay on the other side with the food you do eat?
920sal2 Damn, that’s a good question.
920villain1 Booga booga, monsters! *stabbity stab*
920vampire *looks down* Uh… dude?  I’m a vampire.  That silver doesn’t affect me.
920villain1 Oh right. *stabbity stab*
920ghoul I’m a ghoul.  Same kind of deal.
920villain1 Ugh, fine! *stabbity stab*
920djinn Stings a bit, but I’m djinn. You’ll need to pour some lambs blood on those claws there.
920villain1 Dammit, does ANYBODY in here actually die to silver?
920sal1 Yo!
920villain1 Thank you. *stabbity stab*
920sal2 *blarg* I chose… poorly! *stumbles away*
–MEANWHILE–
920girl Hey look! It’s the ferry we were on when we met in 5th grade.
920ennis2 I know. It was last year.
920girl What a great place for someone to propose…
920ennis Oh.  Um… well… uh….
920sal2 AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
920girl AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
920ennis1 AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
920villain1 AAAAHHHHH *stabity stab*
920sal2 *blarg* Now I really am dead.
920villain2 *whew* Sorry about that.  How ya’ll doing tonight? *wave*
920girl What the hell do you think you’re– *KABOOM*
920ennis Dude, you just straight up ganked this mother****.
920villain2 OMG!  Your girlfriend!
920ennis Where did you get that sweet-ass glove?  You make it yourself or was it some online ordering deal?
920villain2 Your girlfriend just exploded!
920ennis2 Huh?  Oh right.  On the one hand, you killed a guy in front of me.  On the other, you did just help me out of a massively awkward situation.  So… we’ll call it even.
920villain2 But I’m really sorry!  I didn’t mean to make your girl explode.  Please, take me to jail. Arrest me.
920ennis2 Nah, exploding was like… a preexisting condition.  Now get out of here.
920villain2
–LATER–
916sam2 Dude, you sure we’re supposed to be here?
915dean That’s what the directions say.
916sam2 Let me see those again.
note
916sam2 I really don’t wanna.
915dean Can you imagine being so desperate to be in an episode you actually showed up in the spinoff?
918castiel2 Hey guys!  Can I be in the episode?
915dean You got it, Cas! *doors slam, tires squeal*
918castiel1 Yay!
–MEANWHILE–
920waiter Why are you hiding?
920ennis Because… I’m a cop!  Investigating this crime scene.
920waiter No you’re not! *bares teeth*
920ennis1 I could have been, but you had to go and ruin any efforts at a masquerade.
920waiter What do you mean?
920ennis1 Well… look at your teeth!  What are you?  Some kind of ancient evil freed from the bounds of long lost Purgatory where ere you’ve been locked all these centuries?
920waiter No.  I told you earlier: I’m French.
918castiel1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2rL5XnNbtY
920ennis Nice, how did you know he was a monster?
Castiel1 He was? I thought he said he was French.
920ennis2 You just go around beheading French people?
918castiel1 Well they did it before it was cool.  Besides, it’s not they have souls or anything.
920ennis2 How can you be sure?
918castiel1 I’m an angel.
920ennis Oh. What are you doing here?
918castiel2 I go where I’m needed.  Whenever a child cries out in fear, I am there.  Whenever a woman is in trouble, I am there.  Whenever–
920ennis2 You wanted screentime.
918castiel2 Affirmative.  So you want to learn about monsters and stuff?  The terrible truth behind the world you thought you knew?
920ennis2 I dunno…
918castiel1 And how to kill them?
920ennis Would I!
–LATER–
920david3 Hey, can I be a main character?
920ennis2 Sorry, only humans can be main characters on this show.
Castiel1 Aw. =(
920david1 But I’m totally human.
920ennis1 Really? monstersayswhat?
920david3 What?
920ennis2 Monster!
920david2 Dammit!
920ennis2 *cocks gun*
920david1 Wait!  I get at least two chances to prove I’m human.
920ennis1 Oh **** you’re right.  I wondered why that regulation was put in our department rules last year.
920david1 What do you expect when monsters run the city?  Ok, ask again.
920ennis2 Hm…. What is the tastiest part of a human?
920david1 The spleen.
920david2 Dammit!
920ennis2 Monster!
920david1 Nooooo, I wanna be in the shoooooooow! *runs away*
Castiel1 I feelz you bro.  I feelz you.
–LATER–
918castiel2 I don’t understand, why are we hear?
920ennis1 *holding up piece of paper* Plot coupon says to go here.
918castiel1 Oh yes.  My friends use those all the time.  I wonder if they would want to join us.
offscreen No thanks!
offscreen Go on without us! Really!
–AFTER SNEAKING IN–
920ennis1 What are you doing here?
920david3 Well see I–
920ennis Not you, the hot chick.
920violet1 I’m here to draw in the male demographic.
918castiel2 My recent download of pop culture indicates that if such was the case, you should be wearing something sheer while tied up like that.
920ennis Dude’s gotta point.
920violet1 Fine.  Our parents are getting tied up all the time so I figured I should too if I want to be a main character.
920ennis1 Man, your mom and dad were into some weird stuff.
920violet1 No, idiot. Sam & Dean.  Our spawning show.
918castiel2 She is right.  My friends are… restrained a disturbing amount of the time.  I am beginning to suspect one of them enjoys it.
920ennis2 So you both tied yourselves up down here and you thought that would make you protagonists?
920villain2 Officer! Thank goodness you’re here. I want you to arrest these two.
920ennis1 For?
920villain2 Trespassing! I’m just trying to mind my own business and these two come running in and tie themselves up like this in my basement.
920ennis1 … That true?
920violet2 … Yeah.
920ennis1 What about you?
920david1 Just did it because she was here.  I mean she is my true love and all.
920violet1 whoa whoa whoa whoa… what?
920ennis ?
920villain2 ?
918castiel2 ?
920david3 ?
920violet2 You thought… I mean that there was… really?
920violet1 This is just physical!  I thought you knew that.
920david2 If it was only ‘physical’ why would I be with you?
920violet1 Because look at me?
920ennis She’s right dude, girl’s pretty hot.
920david3 I come from a race of SHAPESHIFTERS.  I could have a threesome with ‘her’ and ‘Kate Upton’ before midnight if I wanted.
920ennis Now there’s a thought: If you could have a girl look like any other girl, who would you choose?
~~two six-packs later~~
920villain2 80s era Michelle Pfeiffer.  Or the 70s Demi Moore.  What about you, angel boy?
Castiel1 Well there’s this girl I knew once named April…
920ennis Hey now, that’s not fair picking people we don’t know.  Now what if the shapeshifter could look like a fictional character?  I’ll start: I’d go with Belle from Beauty and the Beast.
Castiel1 Angels are… transcendental beings. Our oldest and most powerful brothers can even create something from nothing – though never original, it must always be what a human imagined first. With that and our ability to visit people’s dreams, it all serves to make the very distinction between ‘fiction’ and ‘real’ rather… dubious to us.
920ennis …Right.  What about you old man?
920villain2 Wonder Woman, no contest.
920david1
920ennis Come on, David.
920david1 No you don’t get it. When you’re a teen-aged shifter, you’ve… usually done a lot of these already.
920villain2 Really?
920ennis Who was your favorite ‘session’ then?
920david1 Don’t laugh… Cheetarah from the Thundercats cartoon.
920ennis1 For real?
920david3 Straight up, as God is my witness.
Castiel1 You should really use a different phrase.
920violet1 So all those times we–
920david2 Bitch did I say you could talk to me?
920violet2 Oh so now you’re bringing racial slurs into it?
920david2 I’m not the one that decided to play ‘look who’s coming to dinner’!  To a shapeshifter, life partners… are so much more!  If I wanted a hot piece of tail – pun intended – I could have stayed among locals.
920violet2 I’m sorry I disrespected your culture.
920david2 It’s worse than that! Shifter partners have to be able to pick each other out from a crowd even if both are wearing a face the other has never seen.  Both should be able to tell – in an instant without words – if another shifter tries to replace your beloved.  I could have looked like a werewolf, maybe roll around a dead deer to smell like you too, and saved us both a lot of trouble if a night out is all you wanted.
920villain2 Watching these monsters fight makes our human differences seem trivial doesn’t it?
920ennis2 Amen to that my mortal brother. *clink beer bottles*
920violet2 Admit it, you never had a night as wild as some of ours.
920david3 Really?  Do you know what a key party is with shifters?
920ennis *leans forward*
920villain2 *leans forward*
918castiel1 *leans forward*
920david1 You don’t use ‘keys’. Everybody writes down who they most ‘want’ and you toss it into a bowl.  Then everyone draws out a random name – male or female – and they have to be that person during the… ‘party’ that follows.  Comparing shifter parties to things we did makes the two of us look like a priest and nun.
920villain2 At least your girl didn’t explode.
920violet1 *spit take* That’s an option?
920villain2 Yeah it happened to his. *points at Ennis*
920ennis1 I don’t know what you’re talking about.
918castiel2 It’s simple: this universe isn’t really in the Supernatural one but running at just slight enough of an angle to cause the two to intersect.  The forces unleashed by the colliding realities are causing canon backlash of such magnitude that many are ripped apart by them.  Those present are lucky enough to have main character shields – however rudimentary – to protect yourselves.
920villain2 Wait, but I don’t think I’m a main– *KABOOM*
918castiel2
920violet1
920david3 … So what was he saying about your girl?
920ennis Hey who wants the last beer since the old dude won’t be drinking it?
–MEANWHILE–
916sam2 Dean, I don’t think that made any sense at all.
915dean Don’t worry about it, Sammy. It’s spinofftown.

(crossposted @ http://thewinchesterfamilybusiness.com/)

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