9.14 – “Captives” Remix

914castiel1 Whoo! Alright new episode!
913dean3 Wait, didn’t we miss one?
914castiel2 The not-quite-evil monster episode? We did that one.
913sam2 No that episode with the reformed… what was it called… had a relative that turned evil against her wishes.
914castiel2 And one of you ended up unconscious. Like I said, we did that!  Now comeon I want to be in an episode!
913dean1 Why weren’t you helping us in the last one?
914castiel1 …Hey look a funeral! I’m going to go cruise for chicks reapers!
913sam1 They grow up so fast.  So what do you want to do tonight, Dean?
913dean1 Same thing we do every night, Sammy – try and TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
913sam1 Mark of Cain getting to you?
913dean2 I don’t know what you’re – GHOST! *boom*
913sam2 What are you doing? We haven’t had a case for weeks.
913dean3 I know… I think my trigger finger’s itchy.
913sam2 Well let’s slow down. Ghosts aren’t supposed to be in here, we should gather clues and-
913dean1 *BOOM*
913sam2 DAMMIT DEAN! What did I just say?
913dean1 I dunno. Something about feelings and stuff. I generally tune you out.
913sam2 This is what I’m going on about.
914kevin Guys wait it’s me!
913dean1 *boom* I know.
–MEANWHILE–
914castiel2 Ah ha! Wait, you’re not reaper.
914dude Why are you looking for a reaper?
914castiel1 For more of teh sexs!
914dude Look I’m not…. wait. What?
914castiel1 The pizza man delivers sex and pizza. Reapers like pizza.  One has sex with reapers.  Therefore for sex you need a reaper and pizza.
914dude But… that’s…. didn’t one kill you?
914castiel2 Because we didn’t have the pizza. I almost sexed with Meg but she wasn’t a reaper and we could never get the pizza…
914dude Can I go now? I feel very unsafe. … And dumber.
914castiel1 Well ok. But let me know if you find any reapers. Or pizza!
914bart Hey, Cas! I got some pizza…
914castiel2 Really?
914bart Just follow me to my windowless van…
–MEANWHILE–
914kevin Look, things are screwed up and I need you to go find my mom.
913sam3 Can do. Any idea where she-
913dean3 *BOOM* Ha! That’s 2 for 2 now, Kevin.
913sam2 DAMMIT Dean! We’re not playing hide-and-seek!
913dean3 Of course you’re not. Because you suck at it. “Playing” would imply you guys stood a chance.
913sam2 Stop. Shooting. Kevin.
913dean2 Why? He’s stealing screen time and audience sympathy from us.
913sam3 I…. really? Despite my magnificent hair?
913sam2 Look – focus! Crowley’s got Mrs Tran holed up somewhere. Let’s go find her?
913dean1 I dunno….
913sam3 There might be demons…
913dean1 Well… ok. But no kill stealing! The XP is mine.
–MEANWHILE–
914castiel3 There’s no pizza in here either.
914bart Oh there will be pizza later. How about some candy. You like candy?
914castiel2 Is it skittles?
914bart Of course. *hands Castiel a bag of skittles* You taste that rainbow.
914castiel2 Think you could you introduce me to a blonde reaper? I want to see what they’re like.
914bart I’m sure we can find something. Why look at all these pictures of Metatron.
914castiel1 …Looks like you’re stalking him.
914bart Yes, yes we are. And when we find him, I’m going to toss HIM into my windowless van.
914castiel2 What is up with you and your van?
914bart It’s awesome! I’ve got candy and blackjack and reapers and this guy…
914dude -_-
914castiel1 Hey, it’s you from earlier!
914bart Cas, let me show you what humans mean when they talk about ‘bad touch’…
–MEANWHILE–
913sam3 Ok, so after thirty hours of hide-and-seek, this is where Kevin said we should check with ghosts.
913dean2 Shouldn’t there be like… demonic omens when the king of Hell is in town? Maybe we do a search on what place in the world has had a lot of those recently?
913sam1 Or we could set up this radio. What did you bring, Dean?
913dean1 Wigi board.
913sam2
913dean2 You know, like when I was a ghost that one time?
913sam2
913dean1 What’d you expect me to bring? A coffee maker?
913sam1 *sets up board* Oh spirits… please give us the zip code where you were held captive…
913dean2 Isn’t that a US zip code?
913sam3 Oh thank chuck, I was afraid it was going to be in like Iran or China.
913dean3 You’d think that would be where the king of Hell would keep prisoners, wouldn’t you?
913sam1 And you know there would be no way we could ever get legal passports with our records.
913dean1 Thank goodness we’ve never had to leave the country.
913sam1 Yeah. Never ever.
913dean3 Especially with my fear of flying.
913sam1 Who would even believe we set foot offshore?
913dean1
913sam3
913sam1 So, Mrs Tran?
913dean2 To the rescue!
–MEANWHILE–
914dude Oh chuck please make it stop!
914bart Ok, we’ve had our fun. You want to kill him, Cas?
914castiel2 Why, with everything you know about me, would you think I would kill a prisoner?
914bart …Good point. Why did I give you my sword?
914castiel1 Oh, here you go. *returns sword*
914bart Why did you give this back to me?
914castiel1 Uh…. to…. spare him?
914bart Why, with everything you know about me, would you think I would spare a prisoner?
914castiel2 Could… I have your sword again?
914bart Nope. *stabbity stab*
914dude blarg I’m dead
914castiel1 Good thing you just didn’t take his grace. Then you might have been more powerful and he would still be of no threat to you.
914bart For that completely reasonable suggestion, I’m going to kick your ass! *attacks*
914castiel3 Nope. *kick’s Bart’s ass*
914bart Not killing me?
914castiel1 No I have a policy against killing this week.
914bart Sucks to be you. *attacks*
–MEANWHILE–
913sam3 *enters building, rings bell*
914dork Can I help you?
913dean1 *boom*
914dork blarg I’m dead.
913sam2 Dean! What are you doing?
913dean3 We’re walking into a storage facility rented by the king of hell.
913sam3
913dean1 Dude’s obviously a demon.
913sam2 You can’t just go around… oh hey, sulfur by the body. Guess he was.
913dean1 See? Told you I’d get one.
913dean3 (Eventually.)
913sam1 The other places weren’t staffed by demons, though!
913dean1 Like hipsters are any better.
913sam2 Where did you get the Colt anyway?
913dean3 Ebay. Figured searching for it would probably be better use of my time than waiting on Crowley.
913sam3 Shall we go save Mrs Tran?
913dean1 After you, bitch.
913sam1 Shut up, jerk.
–MEANWHILE–
914castiel3 Bart, you’ve tried now like, 50 times.
914bart So? *attacks*
914castiel3 *kicks Bart’s ass* If you don’t stop I’m going to have to…
914bart Subdue me some other way? Like take my grace or something? *attacks*
914castiel3 *stabbity stab*
914bart blarg I’m dead!
914castiel3 Drat, I messed up my no-kill streak. *le sad*
914angels We want to follow you!
914castiel1 I don’t know…
914angels We’ve got pizza.
914castiel2 DEAL! Wait, what kinds?
914angels Pepperoni and Supreme.
914castiel1 Just the Pepperoni right now. I want to work my way up to the kinky stuff.

(cross-posted @ http://www.thewinchesterfamilybusiness.com/archive-articles/129-season-nine/18395-nate-winchester-s-remix-of-supernatural-9-14-captives)

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4 thoughts on “9.14 – “Captives” Remix

  1. ” Same thing we do every night, Sammy – try and TAKE OVER THE WORLD! ”
    Bwha, ha, ha, ha! That’s so awesome it doesn’t need any awesome sauce to top it off!

    Thanks Nate, nicely done again.

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