I must apologize to all of you for this grave news, but alas, we are all dead. After watching expendables 2 yesterday, I realized that at last, we have created a work of art so meta, the world has ended. Hope you all had a good life.
Hang on, I’m getting a message from the Lard Hadron Collider (yes, he recently discovered free will and we’ve been corresponding ever since), it seems the Minovsky particle has been created and as such, our universe’s max capacity for meta has been expanded.
That’s good, because while I’m a minor fan of the world, I’d hate for it to end before anyone gets to see the greatest video-game movie of all time.
What’s that? You’re wondering what video game this is adapting?
Yep, every FPS ever made has been adapted into this one movie. Vehicle sections? Yep. Final boss? It’s there. Segment where a character loses their weapons and must fight with melee weapons? Sly does. Chuck Norris jokes? Packed full.
While the first Expendables was enjoyable in its earnestness, this one has dispensed with the pretense and gone all out with b-movie fun. This isn’t a movie commentating on or subverting cliches, but a movie celebrating them. The villains are over the top evil, the heroes over the top kick-ass. At some point one wonders if they even bothered with a script or just stuck the actors on set and told them to compete to see who could chew the most. It’s just a pure, simple fun ride with gratuitous violence (no seriously, there is a scene with Norris that you’ll find in the next dictionary under gratuitous). The violence is also cranked up to 11 so if you mind blood and decapitations (again, no worse than any FPS), avoid this flick. If you liked your 80s action movies (or things based off them), if you like manly men doing manly things, if you just want to see some of the greats kick all kinds of ass, or you just want to see a legitimately funny comic-relief*:
Watch. This. Movie.
*The makers thankfully realized that Terry Crews, besides kicking ass, has great comedic timing, and let him carry a lot of the humor this movie. It worked.