Star Wars Episode 2, the Reduex

(last nostalgia post I promise, this one marked as 9/14/7)

First, as always, a review that finds something positive in the movie.

Now what went wrong with Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones? While it was a good deal better than 1 there were 3 major problems with it.

1) The Mystery– A note to everyone. If you put a mystery in a story, please make sure that said mystery both works and makes sense once the story is resolved. Not only is NOTHING about the central “mystery” of episode 2 resolved (Yoda himself says that “we must find out who and why” but nobody ever does), but none of it makes sense.
First of all, Obi-wan finds out all he needs about the missing planet, but apparently needs the approval of Yoda and some children in order to do anything about it. The entire sequence is so silly I feel incapable of finding words to describe it. It’d be like trying to find Las Vegas. You see all the roads and interstates intersecting where it should be, as well as railways and air ports, but your gps just doesn’t mark any town as being there. Do you really need to go to AAA to have them tell you “Go to intersection of I40 and there Las Vegas will be”?
Second, who in the world “deleted” the information on this planet? It is said that only a Jedi could do it, but who? Sifo-dyus, the one who commissioned the clone army? Why? Wouldn’t that delay the republic finding their army when they might really REALLY need it? The Emperor? But he needs the army to wage his little war and climb to power. Again, no reason to hide the place in that situation. About the only thing that “makes sense” is Yoda or Windu did it in the hope that the army would never be found and war would be averted. But this is just getting into the Jabootu rule of plot holes. (plus, that would make those two liars)
The next point requires you follow along closely. We learn that an old jedi commissioned the clone army over 10 years ago (convenient since it takes about 10 years to grow a clone). HOWEVER, apparently when he showed up to ask for this army, he did NOT have a subject ready to be cloned. Jango Fett tells us that it was Christopher Lee that hired him to be cloned. Let me repeat that: A man that can see the future asked for an army to be cloned, without bringing along anyone to BE cloned. I may not be able to see the future, but even I know that if you’re going to walk into Kinko’s needing 1 mil copies, you better have the original document on hand.
In conclusion, NOTHING about the mystery in the movie makes sense. And of course, they spend much of the movie sitting around talking about this mystery that goes nowhere. There’s a reason some joke the alternate title is “Star Wars: the Committee Meeting”.

2) The Romance– I don’t read Harlequin romances but even I know they’ve got have better romances than this. Oh how far we’ve fallen from the glory of Han and Leia. (Seriously George, get some consultants on your dialog)

3) Count Dooku– Now NOTHING against Christopher Lee, heck if I ever made a movie, I’d make up a role just for him, the man is a legend and his performance makes the whole thing a lot more tolerable. (all hail Saruman!) But the character is just one flaw after another. First of all, we’re told in the beginning credits, “…the mysterious Count Dooku”. However, Obi-wan recognizes him without being introduced. At the beginning we’re told that he was once a Jedi Knight. Hmmmm…. None of that strikes me as mysterious. In fact, as we learn elsewhere Dooku was actually rather well known. Then there’s also the fact that we’re hinted at (and confirmed outside the movie) that the straw which pushed him outside the republic (and to the dark side apparently) was the death of Qui-Gon Jinn. So… upon leaving he goes and joins Darth Sidious? The man instrumental in his padawan’s death? WHAT THE FARK????

Then there’s all the little things. The title makes no sense. (Blink and you’ll miss the clones, and there’s barely any attacking at all, except for about 10 minutes at the end.) R2-D2 gains off-screen teleportation abilities, Aliens ripoff, so on and so on.

I also enjoy this flaw mentioned on TV Tropes:
Star Wars – It is generally given that there are 1 million habitable worlds in the Galaxy (and 2 million sentient species, which, given that most worlds are seen to support only one, means that hidden somewhere in the Unknown Regions there must be a Planet of Leftover Species). There are roughly a trillion beings living on Coruscant alone… and yet the Kaminoan prime minister thinks it’s wonderful that he’s able to announce that a million clone troopers are almost battle-ready. One trooper per inhabited world? Yep, that’s going to keep the local systems in line. A later Ret Con gives the production figures at 3 million, which isn’t much better. The number of droid troops varies wildly depending on which source you read, from “1 million produced per year” to “several quintillion”. There have been attempts to partly justify this as propaganda, bad intel and misinformation-sowing on both sides of the war.

But I will give credit where credit is due. Things the movie did right…
1) Natalie Portman (can’t complain about her)
2) Lightsabers (only thing keeping the Star Wars series alive)
3) Yoda’s fight
And of course, though George Lucas couldn’t plot his way out of a paper bag, he nevertheless is a master at visual spectacle.

Still, lot of room for improvement. I’ve got my work cut out for me on this one…

Why? Because I couldn’t decide how to write it. Should I assume that the 1st and 3rd movie will be left as they are, or should I build upon my episode 1 reduex? At last I decided, that since I am attempting to improve this whole bloody trilogy, build upon what I wrote before.

P.S. I’m going to include detailed dialog on what I’d consider “romantic” or at least “budding romance” scene here to TRY and show George Lucas how it’s done. Be sure to comment if you think it is just as bad.

Opening Backstory: Despite the efforts of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker 3 years ago, the galaxy is ripping asunder. With each passing day, another system abandons the Galactic Republic and rallies around the leadership of the rebel jedi Count Dooku. Rumblings of secession have begun on the inner martial planet of Kamino, so Supreme Chancleor Palpatine has sent Padme Amidala as an ambassador of the Republic, along with two familiar bodyguards…

Open the scene with a capital ship flying through space. On board, Anakin is flying while Padme is fussing over her outfit while rehearsing state protocols with a certain familiar gold droid.
Padme: [speaking in gibberish]
C-3PO: No miss Amidala, it’s [repeats the gibberish slightly differently]
Padme: [repeats]
Anakin swivels in his chair to face her: You could just stand there and let Obi-wan and me handle things.
Padme: [to 3PO] Out! I need a break. [Sits next to Anakin with a huff] Your method always involves a lightsaber.
Anakin: You didn’t complain last time.

(hmmm…. I never did finish this)


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