The Tao of Bale

(this started out as a post on ImpishIdea forums, then I had enough fun with it I decided to drag it out)

As we all know, Christian Bale really is Batman. (Evidence at #2)  After the tragedy of Batman & Robin, CB decided he couldn’t have his name be dragged through the mud like that so teamed up with Nolan (obviously his Alfred in real life) to set the record straight.

Unfortunately, it worked too well as the movies proved strong evidence of CB’s real identity. (the real joker’s senseless killing of Heath Ledger – made to look like an accidental suicide – was a warning to Bale)  So now, with his “night job” at risk of being exposed, Christian Bale has to destroy his reputation to restore his secret identity.  Thus, he & Nolan will make a movie worse than Batman & Robin (with Zac Efron as Robin, Paris Hilton as Catwoman and Vernon Troyer as Penguin).

His recent blowup on the set of Terminator only heightens this realization as Batman (the ultimate strategist – see: every comic he’s in) knows that someday the machines will try and take over earth.  The only hope for it, is the Batman’s offspring, so Terminator: Salvation is a covert message to Bale’s descendants reminding them of their bad-ass heritage and awakening within them their father’s spirit to take earth back for humanity.

In fact, all of CB’s movies are part of his larger chess game:

Empire of the Sun, Newsies, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin and Pocahontas were films designed to throw off his enemies.  Who could believe a pansy staring in them was beating crooks every night?

When police started to close in on the vigilante, Bale played villains in American Psycho and Shaft to convince the cops he wasn’t a hero. (not unlike Batman’s decision at the end of the Dark Knight)

Mary Mother of Jesus was his begging of God to bless his crusade.

Reign of Fire was a tribute to Bale’s ancestors, who frequently beat the shit out of Dragons (and is why they are extinct today).  It is also meant to be an inspiration to all of the Bale line to continue protecting the earth today.

Equilibrium is a truthful retelling of the incident where some idiot created an alternate timeline Earth and Bale single-handedly restored the rightful timeline.

The New World, Rescue Dawn, and 3:10 to Yuma were tributes to historical people that were almost as manly as Christian Bale.

The Machinist appears to be another recounting of an alternate timeline where Scarecrow targeted Bale with a powerful hallucinagin.

To this day, we thank Mr Bale for continuing his family’s efforts to protect the world, using his movies to give us clues, hope and provide him with an income in order to continue his war on crime.

Further readings.


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