Final Crisis Sucks! 5

Once again, I have to give high praise to Jim Doom for reviewing issue 6 so I don’t have to.

I have also discovered the blog of Polite Dissent.  Not only is it 8 kinds of awesome, but he points out how stupid Superman using heat vision to keep his wife alive.  Twice!  He also explains why I kept wanting to write “Louis” instead of “Lois”.

There’s also Snell, who not only has the best blog title EVER, but makes some great points:

  1. Sometimes you just shouldn’t explain your McGuffin.
  2. Death doesn’t travel!
  3. These comics really do suck.
  4. And the ending that would make this story the greatest ever!

Anyway, onto the pain!

Issue 5 is full of ideas that sound great, but fall apart on reflection.  First up we have Hal Jordan on trial.  The evidence against him being a head wound (apparently gotten from “Orion” – though nobody points out Hal’s job is as a test pilot, which probably gives plenty of head wounds) and the word of Kraken.  On page two, the whole ends when Kyle and Guy show up and say more or less (and with less evidence on their side than even Kraken) that “nu uh!  Hal’s a good guy!”.  One has to wonder that the power rings, one of the most mighty Phlebotinums in all of comicdom don’t have recording or even recall functions on them.  They have cameras on cop cars everywhere nowadays but the Gaurdians can be bothered to put the same on a magical wishing device?  But enough of that!  Turns out the good guys were right and Kraken is possessed.  She goes straight for the central power battery and the Gaurdians initiate the “Krona protocol” which makes it disappear.  I remember when they built the alpha lanterns (and you can see it in drawings of them), it was revealed that these alphas are cyborgs (more or less).  A good deal of their bodies are robotic.  So… the guardians decided that making the whole entire central power battery disappear was easier than just giving their robotic servants a kill switch?  Forget idiot plot, this is an idiot universe!

Need further proof?  It’s  mentioned that a “doomsday singularity” is eminating from earth and affecting all sectors of the universe.  To which Hal Jordan replies: “We go in after him… you, me, kyle, anybody else who wants to.”  Then the guardians send him off with “you have 24 hours to save the universe…”.  So the whole universe is in danger but… only “some” green lanterns are going to help?  The Sinestro Corps War (a far better story) had a more toned down threat and you know what happened in it?  EVERY Green lantern (except Mogo I think) and the Guardians themselves showed up to fight.  Here we have the entire universe threatened and… the guardians are just going to sit home and some green lanterns have to organize their sock drawers.  Congrats Morrison.  You managed to make a story with half the scale, scope and books as yours seem far more epic in comparison.  You want us to believe the universe is in danger?  Then MAKE EVERYONE ACT LIKE IT IS!

Then we get a page where it’s Hi Montoya!  Bye Montoya!  I hope there was nothing important there.

Instead let’s go to Darkseid and the new furies in a scene that still makes no sense.  He says (to wonder woman apparently) “Heed my voice… my plague goddess.”  But what plague is WW carrying?  Will it kill?  Enslave?  Mutate?  Gives hives?  Who cares?  Let’s go to the next scene-

Where everybody’s fighting people (some friends) wearing those funky helmets.  Why?  How come nobody seems to be trying to deactivate, break or remove the brainwashing hats?  It’s nice of the heroes to give Darkseid a sporting chance isn’t it?

After a page of that, let’s go to a castle with the stupid Japanese kids and Mr Terrific.  Why do I call them stupid?  “You have thoughtlessly gunned down a global megastar!  How will you explain yourselves to this man’s fans?” cries one.  Is the world ending or not?  If it is, shouldn’t we have bigger things to worry about?  It’s amazing how much Morrison could have improved the atomshere of this trainwreck if he’d just change the dialog to “You idiots!  He held the secret to saving the world!” (or something to that affect)  But no, we have to pitch a fit because some fanboys might get upset.  It’s like Morrison WANTS to make this whole shebang as trivial as possible.

This is the next longest scene in the book, full of people making crazy leaps of logic.  (seriously, so many plot holes could be filled in if everyone was standing around, waving pages with “the Script”)  Got to love this line though: “Radar says the swiss border just… just got further away…”  Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but borders are little more than political lines drawn on a map.  Sure, some countries have natural features that are used as border marks, but radar is used to detect air craft above a certain altitude.  How exactly do you use that to detect ground features?

Onto anthropomorphic tigers riding giant dogs.  Who are they?  Why are they riding these things?  Well the answer is this bit of dialog (and I am giving you as much context as the book does): “Bad place.  What is?”  Can someone tell me when Morrison became a hack?

At least we get a fight going here that’s comprehensible in places without dialog.  Then Mary Marvel shows up and our dialog returns to meaningless babble while managing to violate all known continuity.  Let’s just move on.

Some guy (apparently the punished monitor) gets thrown into jail and bad editing makes it nigh impossible to figure out who’s talking to who.  Apparently, “there’s a magical minimum number of moves you can solve a rubik cube with.  I bet you never wanted to know that.  They call it the number of God.” [sic]  Of course, those with any familiarity with numerology will start guessing that it must be 3, 7 or 40.  Nope.  It’s 17.  Why?  Because a really awesome joke about solving the cube in 42 moves is too understandable for Morrison.  Guards enter the cell when a guy in a wheel chair suddenly solves a rubic cube saying “17”.  Somebody (I guess the guards) are blown up and the ex-monitor stands revealed as “the judge of all evil.”

FOUL

So, all those scenes earlier in the series where this guy was muttering words from a dictionary were… nothing?  He really needed to pick up a rubic cube and solve it?  Oh wait, he didn’t do it – someone else did.  So apparently he didn’t need to do anything at all.  Continuity?  What continuity?

Ugh, let’s skip the page of Luthor being promised Supergirl (whatever that means *wink wink*).  To Darkseid.  He says, “When I command your surrender, I speak with three billion voices.  When I make a fist to crush your resistance, it is with three billion hands.” etc etc.  Well good for you Darkseid.  Too bad that’s only 50% of the world’s total population.  Remember how there’s 52 worlds? (it’s canon, issue 1 said so)  With 6 billion on each of those worlds… There’s also 2600 green lanterns.  4 come from earth, so let’s be generous and say that 4 of each green lantern comes from a habitual world.  That’s 650 habitual worlds in the whole universe.  Even if we are polite and assume that each world has only 1/6th the population of Earth, that’s still 653,000,000,000 vs Darkseid’s 3,000,000,000.  Wait!  Let’s assume all 51 other universes are the same,  that means theres 33,456,000,000,000 vs Darkseid’s 3,000,000,000.  Yes, 33+ TRILLION.  And those are LOW numbers.  I’m not even counting the inhabited worlds that Kraken herself mentioned in issue 2 of final crisis.

So… I’m sorry but how am I supposed to be scared of Darkseid?   Wow, he controls 0.00009 (rounding up) of the population of every universe of the entire multiverse.  I’m so… no scared at all.  Darkseid is a joke.  The kid you laughed at because he couldn’t realize how pathetic he really was.

Final Crisis fails.  It fails in scope.  It fails in continuity.  Final Crisis SUCKS!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go read books from when Morrison had talent.

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