Final Crisis Sucks! 4

First I have to give a huge “rock on!” to the most excellent fellas at Doomkopf.  Thanks to Jim Doom, I don’t have to do one of these posts to FC 6.  Make sure you read his take down of it.

This issue is the halfway point of the main Final Crisis book line.  There are now three issues behind us and three issues to come, so by the law of effecient writing, all set ups and mysteries should be finished so from here we only get revelations and answers, leading to a grand finale.

To be fair, this issue is packed with fewer little annoyances, which gives us time to focus on the larger narrative problems.

The page starts out with “…that’s when time, space… everything cracked.” layed over a scene of an airport where we can clearly see some uncracked and quite whole airplanes.  So I guess not everything cracked.  Morrison attempts to hang a lampshade over the previous issue’s problem:

They recreated our technology and made it do impossible things.

You mean they changed the laws of physics TO DO impossible things.  For instance, spontaneously changing a prerecorded flight message means altering the behavior and property of light, electrons and so much more.  The narration continues.

They struck everywhere, at the same time.  On every broadcast medium, every gps, more than a billion people contaminated by the first strike.

A billion sounds impressive… until you remember that the world has over 6 billion people in it so the “clean” outnumber the “infected” 5 to 1.  We go to the hall of justice where the Ray is… delivering newspapers.

This whole scene makes me think that Morrison has this hatred toward this “electronic media”, that there is supposed to be a statement about old media vs new.  But it fails because

  1. What happens if the bad guys get a hold of the papers?  Now they have clues and evidence about where the “resistence” is.
  2. So the Daily Planet is the last “free” newspaper out there?  What if the fortress (where it’s being printed) is infiltrated by a dark god like everywhere else?  Put the anti-life equation in an issue and *bam* now you have all of the resistance conquered.
  3. Why is the Ray (who can cross the world 7 times in a second) delivering NEWSPAPERS?  Why not deliver food?  Weapons?  Other supplies?  Messages?  This is like getting Superman on your football team and making him the waterboy.  It’s a waste!

Over to the bad guys now, who insist on ruining the story’s mood with the silliest and hammiest dialog.  One of them even comments: “But this… this rotting wheezing enging of meat!” [is wearing out on us]  Then… why are you inhabiting human bodies?  Why not go possess Superman, Wonder Woman, Captain Marvel, the rest of the Green Lantern corp, or any one of a thousand other bodies that are “stronger” than a mere human?  Remember how granny goodness was possessing an alpha lantern body in issue 2? Apparently there’s no distance limitation on these “gods” possessing some one so it seems possible they could get into anyone they wanted.  Kalibak even gets a “bio-factored” body.  Yet no one (not even Kalibak) thought of possessing Doomsday?  Even Brainiac did that!

Back to the hall of justice where they talk about Black Lightning a moment.  What happened to him?  It might be in another comic, but you’re given no captions to help you find that issue, or even what order to read these all in.  Barbara Gordon wins the award for most laugh inducing line ever: “[the anti-life equation] It’s a mathematical proof that Darkseid is the rightful master of everything in existence.” Well good for him.  And?  You can show mathematical proof to people that 0.9999… == 1 but not everybody believes it at first (especially the younger they are).  What about all the hillbillies that failed math? (guess Darkseid lost the south – and yes I’m from Kentucky)

Ray mentions a “secret internet” that Darkseid didn’t get.  The unternet was used by the criminals.
FOUL
So the evil gods can make technology do impossible things but they failed to do something quite within the realm of technological possibilities?  Not to mention, we’ve been seeing Libra in charge of the main criminal group and he’s working for Darkseid so HOW did the evil gods miss this?  Libra knows that Superman is Clark Kent – something which almost no villains know – but he doesn’t know about the “criminal internet” – something which almost all villains know?  WTF???

Onto an “inspirational” speech and rallying cry between the “survivors”.  Golden age Green Lantern says, “We’ve gathered superhumans, crimefighters and refugees in six great watchtowers.”  What, all of them?  Remember how we were told that only a billion people were affected?  So 5 billion people are huddling in these “refuge centers”?  Basic math people!  You outnumber them!  Black Adam says otherwise but I don’t think he’s ever been good at math.

Let’s check in on the flashes – Barry and Wally.  Barry metions that “An unknown force just reverse-engineered me to life out of a blizzard of faster-than-light particles.”  It’s not unknown, it’s the “fundamental” retconavity force that inhabits all comic books.  And engineered you to life Barry?  The last issue said that death couldn’t travel faster than light but now you’re saying you were dead?  The new furies interrupt the reunion but… the flashes?  How are these gals (none of whom are known for speed) supposed to be a threat?  These two can run faster than light!

In the hall of justice, everybody but Green Arrow make it out before the zombie horde breaks in.  They’re screaming “anti-life justifies our actions!” but I can’t figure out why.  Do you run around saying “_ justifies my action!”?  Why do their actions need justifying?  Why does anyone care?  Anyway, Ollie goes down and gets a shiny helmet put on his head.  You know what would have been a good idea?  Maybe setting off an EMP pulse which would have not only fried the transporters the escapees used (GA stayed behind to cover their tracks… too bad we don’t see him do anything of the kind) and shorted out all those nice helmets.

At a fight, Golden age Green Lantern suddenly says “My green flame is waning…”  Why?  Because the plot demands it!  I’m starting to think “the day evil won” is referring to Grant Morrison being put in charge of the DCU.

Then we get a page full of lulz.
Panel 1) Sign- “To die on the job is to die for darkseid!”  Foreman- “Increase Production!”  Well if your workers die… you’re going to have a harder time increasing productions sir.  Not to mention what is darkseid producing and why?  Does he have customers buying his products?
Panel 2) Announcer- “Work!  Consume!  Die!”  Note that consumption (especially of foodstuffs) is important to preventing death there.  Of course, working kind of cuts into your consuming efforts so maybe Darkseid’s plans would go smoother if he prioritized things better.
Panel 3) Announcer- “Judge Others!  Condemn the different!  Exploit the weak.”  Why?  How does it affect Darkseid is people go unjudged, uncondemned and unexploited?  His “take over the world” efforts would probably go a lot better if he tried demanding the opposite.  Instead of beating people in the street, everyone gets a boquet of flowers at their doors.  Then people are getting to sign up willingly.
Panel 4 & 5) Some lady gets home to where her TV is apparently playing the anti-life equation.  She doesn’t seem happy about it which makes one wonder why she doesn’t just unplug the damn thing.   In fact, earlier in the book Oracle mentions that she’s the one who shut down the internet (except… she didn’t because people were affected anyway… or something), without realizing that it would have been a lot more effective if she had just shut down power grids all over the world.  Then there would be NO “god weapon” for the bad guys to use.

The flashes show up and we learn that the lady is Iris Allen, who Barry awakens with a kiss.  Let’s take a quick moment to look back earlier in the book.  *flips through*  Yep, here’s Ray saying, “I heard the original flash evacuated a whole town, single-handed in minutes.”  The original flash.  The guy who admitted he wasn’t as fast as these two ONE FREAKIN’ ISSUE AGO.  So he evacuates a town, but Barry and Wally can’t be bothered to run around the world and shut down all the power systems?

A few more ok pages and we end on a final spread with Darkseid/Turpin giving a thumbs down.  Why a thumbs down?  From earlier: “Give us a sign great Darkseid!  Thumbs up for the triumph of the human spirit!  …or thumbs down to summon a day of holocaust that will never end!”  Part of me wonders what would have happened if a thumbs up had been given?  Would all the evil gods go: “oh.  Well good bye then!  No hard feelings right?” and pack up and leave earth?  They’ve already unleashed the “anti-life equation”, would they have to “take it back” somehow?  Seems like the thumbs down is something that should have happened right before this issue, before all the shit hit the fans.  By the way, how do you have a holocaust that never ends?  At some point, you’re going to run out of people to kill.

Anyway, we’re done with this, “Grant Morrison’s technophobia issues”.  Come back next time where we discuss issue 5, why Darkseid is a poor villain, Morrison continues to spit upon the idea of cohesive narratives, and the Amish save Earth!

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