Final Crisis Sucks! 3

Final Crisis 1&2 were bearable because these were the first of 7 total issues.  However, with 3 we are reaching the point of no return, where the narrative must begin in ernest or fail.

I don’t mind the first few pages though.  It’s arranged in 9 panels envoking Watchmen but several panels bleed together, making larger panels.  Too bad the dialog falls apart.

“Frankenstein” says that a prophecy is being written.  The prophecy?  “Know Evil”.  Hey everyone!  I encountered a prophecy driving the other day.  It said “Yield”.

Then a guy called “father time” says “…’scuse me, TALEB.  My NEW YORK TEAM just found the ARK OF THE COVENANT or some damn thing downtown.”

I’ve read the previous panel several times and still can’t figure out how in the world time thinks about the ark of the covenant.  It’s such a non-sequiter that I kept wondering if the panels were supposed to be related at all.

We also get more of Morrison’s obsession with telling instead of showing (argh!) with a character saying “the situation in BLUDHAVEN is slipping through our hands.”

We get a few acceptable page then Morrison’s “dialog” violates the laws of time and space.

Remember the monitor who was stuck in human form and decided to rip off Black Adam?  He’s being yelled at by his boss: “Gravitons?  Even the @$?$%# word is disgusting.”  What?  Really?  Has ANYONE encountered anything close to this reaction to techno-babble before?  We seem to be visiting a world where NOBODY has any knowledge of physics.  “You.  No longer.  As in, EMPLOYED AT THIS OUTLET.”  -You.  Doctor.  As in, you’re clearly suffering from aphasia and need some help.

More rambling, and here again we get a failure of art where an “archeological find” isn’t featured in frame nearly as prominant as it needs to be.  The next scene shows a guy watching TV without showing us what’s on the TV… which is a news report about “strange symbols” being found.  Gee, I hope these symbols aren’t important to the plot, I’d really like to see them.

Following is a rather sweet scene with Jay Garrick that falls apart once again with a single line: “It’s a little known fact that death can’t travel FASTER than the SPEED OF LIGHT.”  Since when does death need to travel?  I know if I was Barry Allen’s friends and family, I would be PISSED right about now.  Barry’s been alive all this time but just hasn’t come to visit?  Also, considering how many in the DCU can travel faster than light (such as… green lanterns, who have to go a LOT faster to run around the WHOLE universe), seems either the fact should be well known or we have a lot of people over 900 years old.

Downward spiral continues with Libra and Mike.  Libra suddenly crams a helmet on Mike screaming “THAT’S THE ANTI-LIFE EQUATION, you pathetic, ignorant little failure!”  Wait?  Really?  Libra, a being who punched out the Spectre (in another book IN THIS SERIES) needed this convoluted plan to get a wimp like mike to put on a freakin’ helmet?  Is Libra supposed to be a threat or something?  He goes ranting: “or renounce SCIENCE, swear an oath on the BIBLE OF CRIME and pledge your service to the MASTER OF ALL EVIL.”

I’m sorry, my brain shut down a moment.
1) Why renounce science?  Libra just used science with that fancy smancy helmet he crammed onto Mike’s head.  Plus, Luthor is a BRILLIANT scientist.  Why would you have him renounce it if you’re going to use his services?  That’s like recruiting Dr House and demanding he give up medicine.  WHY ASK IN THE FIRST PLACE?
2) Besides the stupidity of a “bible of crime”, wouldn’t swearing an oath on it be… counter productive?  If it’s a bible dedicated to crime, shouldn’t you violate any oaths you swear because… doing so would be a crime?  Kind of like if you took an oath to the king of lies.  (which you then need to break so you could be ‘lying’)
3) Master of all evil… again, why would such a person be so obsessed with pledged service?  If you’re truly a master of evil… shouldn’t you be wanting your servants to betray you since treachery is bad (and loyalty a noble quality)?

Cut to Clark Kent hovering over his wife in the hospital.  He whispers “my heat vision’s the only thing keeping her heart beating.”  Ignoring the plethora of stupid medical advice in that statement, I love how in two panels a voice draws his attention away (I mean, we see in that panel, clark looking away from lois).  The mysterious voice says “I offer you ONE ULTIMATE CHANCE TO SAVE her!”  Well… except by making him look away, you just caused Lois to die.  Got to love how Morrison can’t keep continuity going ON A SINGLE PAGE.  If Grant Morrison doesn’t care about his writing… why should I?

Hal Jordan is being led away in cuffs now… in a scene that I have to admire.  It should be tense and all but… is incredibly boring.  Golden age Green Lantern says “you’re still convinced DARKSEID is involved?” at which point we all scream at the comic and go “WHO ELSE COULD IT BE?”  This whole “mystery” about what’s happening might work if say… some plausible alternative was discussed.  Are you curious what an idiot plot is?  THIS story is an idiot plot.

Oracle gets the atrocious dialog this time: “They also serve who have a HUGE network of friends.”  Bad grammer deeply inflicts brain harm.

Full page hero spread that still manages to be so boring…  Not to mention, they are debating exactly what or even if there is a threat but all superheroes are being drafted anyway?  Continuity?  What continuity?

There’s a bit in Japan that really wants to save this crap issue, then to Wonder Woman in bludhaven.  Bad Mary Marvel shows up (remember this for later) and she and WW have a bit of a fight until a gun is aimed and Wonder Woman says “No!  Your weapons can’t HARM her!  She’s not a KILLER!”  Well she just killed someone first of all.  Second, what does either sentence have to do with each other?  They’re both reasons not to shoot Mary but we don’t need both.  It’s like Morrison wrote down two possible justifications and decided he couldn’t be bothered with picking only one.  Of course, if the 2nd line was moved to WW’s following whisper “Mary, what HAPPENED to you?  You’re not a KILLER!”  Remember these people called editors?

Anyway, wonder woman is revealed to be a “delivery system, a disease carrier” which makes even less sense.   What’s the disease?  Remember how WW is made of clay?  How would a disease even work on her?

Then Oracle has to shut down the internet in a bit that is so stupid I have to go cry now. (yes I do work in IT)  And no Morrison, saying “this isn’t possible” doesn’t excuse you.  Why?  Because if you have “one impossible thing” happen, it opens up plot holes about why in the world more impossible things are NOT happening.

Which we’ll touch on tomorrow…

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3 thoughts on “Final Crisis Sucks! 3

  1. Oracle gets the atrocious dialog this time: “They also serve who have a HUGE network of friends.” Bad grammer deeply inflicts brain harm.

    Finally! Something defensible!

    I think it’s supposed to be an homage to the “They also serve who…” meme. (Given that it’s Oracle, this explanation from the link is almost touching: They also serve who only stand and wait Meaning: We all have a place in this world and we all perform a function, regardless of our ability or disability. )

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