Final Crisis Sucks! 2

(I was going to put as much of these into one post as I could, but the first one ran so long…)

Ok, so we had a decent enough first issue.  Wasn’t great but let’s see where it goes.

Ouch, strike against issue 2 on the first page:
“STOP!  You must be supercool to proceed!  YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!”
Really Mr Bouncer?  You’re going to kill anyone that doesn’t measure up to your standard?

The next page I have to fault the art once again as it is so poorly laid out, one needs multiple readings just to follow the narrative.  The coloring scheme makes it even more confusing as we try to decide are these different angles or different lightings of the same one?  WTB: better layout.  The dialog in this scene makes me want to apologize to Japan on behalf of America AND Scotland. (not to mention, how come nobody’s speaking in Japanese here?)

The “fight” scene between super-sumo and megayakuza is not too bad though.

Back to stupid dialog with Mr Miracle: “There was a COSMIC WAR… and the powers of evil WON.”  Cosmic includes space you know.  Big war but the guardians or any other of DCU’s bajillion other space teams didn’t hear about it?  zzzzzzzzzz

Next we get a rip off of a GOOD comic miniseries- the recent Black Adam one.  Except this is the monitor guy.  “Like one day I’m gonna find the magic word that’ll take me home.”  So everyone’s ripping off the wizard Shazam now?  And if you’re going to exile someone, why leave them a “magic word” that will undo it? (EPIC FAIL)  Not to mention, since when do magic words mean anything to the monitors?  Does language matter?  Why not a magical hand gensture?

Onto a rather disgusting scene with Turpin and the Madhatter.  A Gotham/Batman villain.  This scene has so many asspulls in it, head asplode again!  How did Turpin find out the hatter was involved?  How’d he get to Gotham?  Why even have the scene?  So Turpin can figure out to go to Bludhaven?  But the process gives us more plot holes than the problem it purports to solve.

Funeral for J’onn and Morrison decides to whizz over his own work with Superman saying- “We’ll all miss him.  And pray for a resurrection.”  Sorry readers, no emotional impact for you!

There’s a scene with Libra… the less said the better.

Then we decide to violate all narrative conventions with Wonder Woman saying “J’onn J’onzz is dead.  Orion is dead!  The Justice League no longer has… J’onns… skills provided.”  Good thing you threw in Orion in the middle of your thought there isn’t it Diana?  A simple switch of those first two sentences and the whole structure becomes that much more beautiful…

Enter green lanterns with Hal saying (once again) “The victim here is of CELESTIAL origin.”  Ummm… since when?  Wait, let’s break continuity in our OWN comic book.
Kraken- “…the cause of a so-called GOD’S death…”
So is he a god or not?  Morrison just can’t make up his mind…

Cut to John Stewart and another GL where the latter says “there’s that damn sound again!”.  What?  No effects?  Just him hearing it?  No one else?  Does it mean anything?  The next panels where John gets “attacked” are not only laid out poorly, but in one you can see that the attacker clearly has no head. (if I can get to a scanner this weekend, I’ll show you)

The rest is sort of ok… at least until Batman says to Kraken: “Are you all right?”  Followed in two panels by Kraken going “Why are you looking at me like that?”
1) What gave Batman any clue that something was wrong? (hint: moving that one speech balloon to the next panel would have smoothed out the story A LOT)
2) Why does Kraken care about how Batman looks at her?  Do you care how say… a dog looks at you?  (because that’s about the power level equivalent here)
Kraken mentions “Do you HEAR that sound like THUNDER?”  Ummm… no, because nobody wants to put in any sound effects.  Is it local?  Everyone hearing it or just select few?  It keeps falling apart: “Did you think the GODS would tread LIGHTLY when they came among you?”  Considering we haven’t seen anything of them… the answer would be yes.  Except… THE GODS HAVE BEEN AMONG THEM BEFORE.  What?  All those times don’t count?

Back to Turpin in a scene that sort of works… until you realize that evil purely for evil sakes always fails as a motivation. (see: C.S. Lewis)  Gotta love this dialog now: “The EVIL FACTORY is open for business!”  Now is that a factory that makes evil or one that just IS evil?  How does either one work?  This line would work as a great joke in Dr McNinja.  Here?  It snaps you out of the gravity of the situation.  “Where the new gods FELL, what chance have the EARTH’S primitive strongmen against all the ARMIES of APOKOLIPS?”  Well… pretty good as demonstrated again and again.  Batman’s even stood up to Darkseid a time or two.

Then we go to the Daily Planet right before an explosion!  What happened to Superman being faster than a speeding bullet?  What’s worse, it appears that Clayface impersonated Jimmy Olsen which Superman finds suspicious.
In a world… filled with shapeshifters (one of which was stabbed to death).
Shapeshifters that Superman himself has fought a few times.
You think the man might have… learned to check everyone with his supersenses whenever he’s suspicious?
It appears Libra’s plots are working because EVERY hero in the DCU have been handed the Idiot Ball.  Kind of like watching Kramer beating up on grade school kids.  We are not impressed.

Over to Wally West and Jay Garrick running around (hah!).  This scene isn’t TOO bad (though we’ll come back to it later) but once again we get “MY GOD!  THAT NOISE!  -IT’S LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD, WALL!”  Really?  A single noise “sounds like” the end of the world?  How do either of them know?  Sure Jay may have been through a few of those but does that continuity count or not?

Savor this issue everybody.  Morrison pretty much decides he’s shown us enough and will just be telling us what’s happening from now on.  At least until he decides to stop doing that too…

UPDATE: Scans daily has done me a favor of scanning the offending page already.  Check out the 3rd panel.  No head!

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