Final Crisis Sucks! 1

And so begins my quest to give Final Crisis the savaging it so deserves.  Disclaimer: I’m only doing the issues I’ve bought.  If I hear that others are excellent or enough people beg for me to (or even chip in), then I will review more, but until then, this is it, I’m not wasting a dime more on this (except for a few which will be detailed).

Also, unless I point out otherwise, the art in every one of these is GORGEOUS.  Removing the writing would make these worth your $3.99

Regular Issues:

#1- We start out with primative people in cavemen times (as realized by most movies from the 60s) met by “Metron”.  All in all, pretty good.  After this, we switch to some guy in some city narrating.  O…k.  No clue as to who this is but first issue, we can stand a little mystery.  Too bad the goodwill gets squanered.  Orion, one of the New Gods who a lot of people probably know (he’s been on the JLA, cartoons, etc) stands up and says “…heaven… cracked and broken…”
Orion and his kind come from a planet called “New Genesis” fighting everyone on a planet called Apokalpse (creative no?).  While they two worlds could be described as heaven-like or hell-like, they were NOT actual heaven or hell, demonstrated in issues Grant Morrison HIMSELF wrote of an angel joining the JLA.  The planets certainly don’t have souls going there for an afterlife.  Does he mean the REAL heaven?  How?  None of the new gods or any of their ilk have been there (that I know of).

Later on we get a clue that the gumshoe is apparently from (or has worked in) Metropolis.  Remember that.

Then we get this guy demonstrating Morrison coming unhinged.  He says: “We used to fight in the alleys.  Guys these days fight in the clouds.”  Actually I’m pretty sure Batman (and even the Question WHO HE’S TALKING TO) still fight in the alleys.  Not to mention, “sky-battles” have been going on for awhile in the DCU.  Imagine you were just standing alone and some guy in his fortys or more walked up and said “Time was, we took the railroad.  Now we fly everywhere.”  What would your reaction be?  (Answer: No Shit).

Green lanter time as Hal Jordan reveales that a 1011 is “Deicide”.  Wait what?  This is something that happens enough the Guardians have a code for it?  Why would the smurfs even care?  Where were they during all those battles between the two planets that (presumably) resulted in a LOT of 1011’s?  The scene with the guardians is so dull:  “Dust for radiation prints.  Interrogate ALL potential suspects.”  Thanks blue gal, I’m sure Hal and John were planning on interrogating only some of the suspects.  John then has a real head banger: “Hal.. these NEW gods.  They come with BAD gods too.”  No SHIT!  You all have faced them BEFORE.  Morrison can’t make up his mind, first expecting us to know the most obscure continuity and then writing as if this is the first ever appearance of these characters.  Why not do us a favor and just have John say “If Orion’s here… where’s Darkseid?”.

Cut to a scene with Dr Light and Mirror Master that is REALLY boring and insulting at the same time.  Light keeps going through his phase of “everything’s about rape and sex” which we don’t need.  At all.

Villain group shot!  Vandal Savage gives us one of the most groan inducing lines ever: “We are organized supercrime specialists…”  Motives?  What motives?  Luthor decides he wants to join in on the character assassination with “You presume I have no creed?  My creed is LUTHOR!”  Pardon me Lex- Doom called, he wants his shitck back.  If that wasn’t enough, J’onn J’onzz gets stabbed to death.

A shapeshifter, is stabbed.  To.  Death.

The biology of how that works makes my head asplode.

We finally learn the gumshoe’s name here at the end as Turpin as “Dark Side” (get it?  get it?) makes the same mistake as Orion: “There was a WAR in heaven, mister Turpin, and I WON.”  A panel or two before, the man mentions being hurt in a “fall”.  Well if he won a war in the REAL heaven (he took out God Almighty), how in the world did he fall or get hurt to begin with?  You keep saying you won but sir… we can’t see any evidence of it (which you’ll find to be a reccuring theme with Morrison).

Onto Superman! “As GREEN LANTERN just explained, GUARDIAN archives describe ORION and his people as “NEW GODS”.  Really Superman?  The same Orion you’ve served with on the JLA in Grant Morrison’s OWN RUN?  The same “new gods” that were introduced in YOUR book and which you have a run in with every other month?  But no supes, don’t mention your personal experience, talk about the green lantern corp instead.  He continues: “These are celestials capable of cracking the planet in HALF and enslaving BILLIONS.  Then tell me supes HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?  You can’t crack a planet in half last I checked (or are we back to pre-crisis levels?).  You’ve gone toe to toe with these “celestials” and beaten many of them.  RECENTLY.  Which means that either Superman has obtained godhood recently or somebody’s lying.

Meanwhile green lanterns are told to “Secure the Crime Scene.”  Which reminds me, is there a law against killing gods in the universe?  If so, why haven’t the guardians arrested ALL the new gods years ago for their little war?  Since.. you know.. people die in war.

Onto the monitors and our first real failing of the art.  One of the monitors is “sentenced”.  He’ll actually end up being important, but we (the readers) never get a good clear look at him.  I like how the monitors mention “your word of attention.”  That was sarcasm.  Word of attention?  Since when was that a power of ANY monitor?  I’ve seen smaller asspulls from the Matrix series.  The rest of the scene could have used a mini series buid up as it plays like gibberish, we just can’t care about any of it.

The series closes on what’s supposed to be the punished Monitor waking up mortal.  Of course, not getting a good look at him before, kind of makes the scene more confusing than revealing.  Way to spit on the readers Morrison.  Does it get better?




spoiler- Nope.


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